Movie Picks by my Mother, Janet

Okay, Jan-fans. Here’s the latest.

Her: There’s a new movie out. It’s called or “Splash” or something like that. You know it….Ooohhh. What.Is.It? [She scoffs at me because I, like the rest of the world, am holding back on her and not giving her the instant response she demands.]

Tell me the name!

Me: Mother, I don’t know it. What’s it about?

Her: I KNOW you KNOW! A blind football player– Huckabee said it is about a football player who wants to play football real bad and they figure out how to let him play.

Me: Okay…let me find it for you. [I am scurrying around on the internet to avoid another disdainful scoff and searching for “blind football player movie Huckabee”]

Her: It was on Huckabee…try words that rhyme with “splash.” It’s REAL popular and EVERYBODY knows about it.

Me: Except me. [Because *everybody* in the U.S.A. and China watches Huckabee except me.]

Her: WHAT IS THAT NAME? Crash? Mash? Slash?

Me: Looking as hard as I can!

Her: Well, I just thought you would know about it..

Me: Eureka! Here it is! Movie tells story of blind Kentucky football player…

Her: That’s it!

Me: The movie is “23 BLAST.” Let me see if it is an early release on DVD. I will have it sent to you today.

Her: NO! Don’t do that!

Me: Okay….what then??? [I start laughing…]

Her: I don’t know! [She’s laughing.] Huckabee said it would be inspirational; I thought maybe you needed to see it, then I said, “No, she’s too busy.” Maybe somebody you know…

Me: Hmmm…okay, I’m not really interested…Mother, this is “a Janet Classic moment.” You have me searching like a fool for something we don’t want to watch.

Her: Well, you had those eye problems and it was on Huckabee.

Me: …but I can see now and I’m not interested in playing football if I lose my sight.

Her: Me either! DO NOT SEND IT to me. [She’s laughing.] I DON’T want to see it and Warren will insist on watching it — I don’t care for football and he loves it. It’s bad enough with him checking scores while my programs are on. He does that during the commercials.

Me: I know. You watch the Waltons while the Aggies are playing.

Her: Yes I do!

And, a Warren & Janet – Encore!!

One more from early today…I called Mother:
Mom, I got my statement from the West Columbia bank. I saw a deposit of X that you made for my birthday. Thank you.
Mother: No. It was only half that.
Me: I’m very sure it was X…let me check…yes, that’s right…hmmmm…you did make two deposits … on two different days.
Mother: Oh…Hxxxxx at the bank just made a mistake, that’s all. I’ll call them. [Ummm…yeah….because it’s 1962 and banks make accounting errors and missplace checks all the time…]
Warren: HUH??
Mother: The bank credited Brenda’s account twice for her birthday check.
Warren: No, dear.
Warren: I told you that you’d already put her check in the bank but you got pissy and hurt my feelings, so I just took you back over there and kept my mouth shut.

The Warren & Janet Show – LIVE in America, Texas, U.S.A!

Mother wanted an update on my eye appointment today. I called and gave her the bullet points, VERY brief ones for the woman who admits she has the attention span of a gnat.

Her response: <Chuckling.> Well, missy…did you tell him lotus or litus?

Me: <…pause…> Do what?

Mother: Lotus OR litus!??

Me: <blink, blink> Mother, I am completely lost. What do you mean?

Mother: <Scoffs> Well, THAT’s WHAT YOU SAID!!

Me: I swear I don’t know what you are talking about. Are you okay?

Mother: Hold on…WHAT WARREN? <Starts laughing uncontrollably. I can hear Warren ROF laughing his A O.>

Me: What??

Mother: Okay, okay…<She laugh-snorts…catching her breath…Warren is howling.>

Finally, she says, “I nodded off while you were talking. Warren said I was talking in my sleep. Okay! I’m awake now! Did you go to the doctor?”