The Warren & Janet Show

Being 50 plus means you have a parent or two (if you’re fortunate) that’s about 80 years old.  My mother is 82.  She has a boyfriend named Warren.  They are a hoot!

Below is a little YouTube video from my mother’s 80th birthday.  Conversations with Mother and her boyfriend Warren are hilarious (as long as you don’t have to really deal with an actual problem!)

My mother has become a little bit famous on Facebook because I post our conversations.  Here are a few of the favorites.

Brenda & Janet in July, 2014.

Brenda & Janet in July, 2014.

Martian Law

[Written May 5, 2015]

Just got off the phone with Mother. What began with a nice chat, ended abruptly over what Mrs. X, told Mother that she read on the internet. In typical Janet-style, Mother delivered half of a nonsensical discussion peppered with familiar political names and apocalyptic phrases. THIS is the very reason I swore off discussing current events with my mother.

“Mom, that’s like me getting my world news from the nail salon…it is ridiculous.”

Mom: “Well, you asked me about it. I don’t even know what martian law is.”

Me: “No, no, no…no, I didn’t ask you. But, I need to get off the phone and go wrap my head with foil. The internet says it will keep those martians from talking smack to me…you know…like they are to Mrs. X.”

Mom: Ha, ha, ha. I meant “martial.”

Me: Yeah, I know! Ha, ha! I still don’t want to talk about it.

Mother, I met a man…

I emailed my mother this picture because I thought she would laugh.

Janet had a meltdown. She thought I knew this brenda-tat-man. (Seriously?? Seriously.)

That evening, she tried to call me and I didn’t answer my phone because I was asleep.

Within 15 minutes she had called my neighbor and my son to tell them that this awful person had probably taken me hostage…

Lock Your Doors, Brenda!

Lock Your Doors, Brenda!

Well…it said “Call IMMEDIATELY for a free $500 Walmart Gift Card!”

This morning, I see on my phone repeated calls from Janet from last night and through this morning.

I was a little bothered by it because I had periodically checked in with her over the past 24 hours to advise her of my good health and that I had not died in the previous 3 to 5 hours, but Mother wanted to give me important news. That’s why she continued her non-stop calling.
Mother: I got a card in the mail yesterday that said I could win a $500 Walmart gift card.

Me: Was it addressed to you?

Mother: No…it said “Resident.”

Me: So, you threw it away?

Mother: No! I called the number. They asked me what my name was, I told them, but when they wanted my date of birth, I told them I didn’t have time to talk and hung up.

Me: Great. You called someone you didn’t know and told them your name and now they have your phone number and you are now on a list of other naive people.

Mother: But, they don’t have my birth date! I didn’t give them that!

Me: So, why did you call a number you didn’t know?

Mother: The card said, “Call immediately for a $500 Walmart Gift Card.”

Me: Do you NEED $500 to spend at Walmart? I can send you a Walmart gift card today…I will go buy one immediately if that will fix this problem and you stop this silly habit of believing what you read in your junk mail.

Mother: Well, no; I do not NEED a $500 Walmart card.

Me: THEN WHY CALL? MOTHER, DO NOT CALL NUMBERS IF YOU DON’T KNOW WHO THEY BELONG TO. We have been over this about 23 times now.

Mother: I should have not told you I called that number. <SCOFF> I thought you would be happy that I didn’t give them my birthdate.

Me: No. I would be happy to know that my mother, an otherwise very smart woman, would throw junk mail and fraudulent offers into the trash and never tell me about calling numbers on random post cards sent to her from CRIMINALS.

Mother: You are always so negative.

Me: Yep. That’s me. What did Warren say?

Mother: He said not to tell you.

Me: Here’s the solution: Next time you get a card like this, have him use his name and cell phone to call ANY number for free money.

Mother: He won’t call them!

Me: Well…you are obviously smarter than he or I. We’ll never get FREE money or FREE Walmart gift cards.